Domestic and Family Violence is not ok.
Joking about Domestic and Family Violence is not ok.

Recently I called out someone for making a passing comment about “floggin’ a kid”. I knew it was more about “roughhousing to build a connection with a child” rather than actually physically flogging/harming/beating the child. But I couldn’t let it pass, I made comment, what followed wasn’t pleasant, but I’ll go into that later.

Current situation

In recent years domestic violence has actually made it into the media, rather than being swept under the rug. The two big events that stick in my mind are Bayden-Clay and Baxter/Clarke murders. Although I haven’t done a deep dive into those cases I’m aware of the high level narrative; after years of emotional/financial abuse a horrid act is performed.

Backstory

Though lived experience and listening and learning from others I have an awareness of the following things.

Emotional Intelligence

Wikipedia has a reasonable definition: the capability of individuals to recognize their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, use emotional information to guide thinking and behaviour, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one’s goal(s)
What I know is those with a high emotional intelligence can either use that to show empathy and understanding of others situations OR they can use it to manipulate others. Those with lower emotional intelligence misread others, learn to cover up by mirroring others words/actions. This is seen in some with autism where everything is taken literally; sarcasm and humour are hard for them to understand.

Mental Health

Mental health is illogical, not visible, some conditions manifest and need treatment, others will remain hidden, some can be learnt to be embraced and lived with. Some people can talk about it, some can’t. Some conditions are a spectrum. After dealing with the health of my kids, friends and family, one thing I can see is, It’s complex.

Drug reactions

I’d heard of “roid rage” before, but until I saw what the smallest amount of steroids did to Violet’s attitude and state of mind I didn’t really understand. The hallucinations she had on larger doses was scary.

Addiction

Addiction is not just to drugs, it can be anything, food, screens, postage stamps, porn, self image, celebrities etc. There is a line between “showing interest” and the repetitive

Narrative

Ok, so with the current situation and backstory setting the scene and taking Hannah Clarke’s murder I created a narrative… What if he perpetrator had undiagnosed autism, over the years he heard people say they’ll give their child a flogging (but totally misinterpret the smile or the intent to have some fun roughhousing). Over time they start to think it’s ok to flog/beat their child. Then they do. Maybe they need steroids for anti inflammatory issues. Financial strain adds stress and a family member says the wrong thing, then snap, they murder their family.
It’s plausible, but now I type it out there’s a lot of things that need to line up before the unfortunate happens.

Replaying the interaction

I’ve paraphrased and removed swearing:
Friend 1: Posts picture of child doing something good
Friends 2-8: Great work
Friend 9: That kid still deserves a daily floggin’
Me: I know you’re joking, but some people can’t tell the difference link to random article on domestic violence
Friend 9: That’s why “some people” can go jump, social media has empowered a nation of “offended victims” and sooks
Me: Agreed, some people need to harden up. But we’re talking about different cohorts I’m talking about those that may have a slight mental/emotional impairment, they cover by laughing with everyone or making jokes themselves, even though they don’t fully understand the difference between roughhousing and abuse. Over time they see your comment (and many others) and subconsciously start to think it’s ok to beat a child. Then they actually start abusing their child or partner, emotionally first, add some financial strain/roid rage/addiction, then the physical abuse starts, next thing they’re pouring petrol on them and setting them alight.
Making a passing comment about flogging your kid or partner may have been socially acceptable a few decades ago, and it may seem a big jump from a joke to an action, but it all starts somewhere, and can be stopped in the same place.
Your response indicates you haven’t been exposed to much mental health or domestic violence, which concerns me when you do that you’ll respond in the wrong way and make matters worse.
Friend 9: I’ll start by pointing out your novel here is based on unsubstantiated, assumptions and accusations rather any factual information, you have no idea what I have or haven’t been subjected to, how my family dynamic works, my sense of humour… your stand point and the subject in relation and reference to ME is frivolous… rubbish in fact- the only thing your novel above really proves is that you’re joining the queue of limp __ dramatic sooks… CLOSER TO HOME you follow and support a religious movement that has decades of proven and legitimised factual child abuse, rape cases and cover ups! I’ll keep doing me mate! U keep up supporting what your harping on against!!

Debrief and closing thoughts

There was misunderstanding on both sides of the fence. Communication wasn’t clear, there wasn’t enough context provided. In this case I got personal and judged, assuming lack of knowledge or understanding rather than sticking to the facts and referencing credible resources, which inflamed things and took it off topic rather than focusing on the issue. I had limited understanding of how to approach getting someone to have a broader, deeper thought. I forgot how closed and undiversified some of my friends could be. Social media wasn’t the place to have the conversation, as things are easily misinterpreted, taken the wrong way and it’s hard to gauge where the other party is at.

I still don’t think in this day and age it’s appropriate to joke (no matter how subtle) about floggin’ anyone. Yes some people have am entitled victim mentality, but that’s different than being an actual victim, we need to not ostracise either group. Yes society maybe softer than it was decades ago, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing, we’ve progressed and understand significantly more about ourselves and others because of diversity and inclusion. No we can’t all be the same, but we can respect others difference of opinion (if it’s unlikely to harm others) and grow and learn from each other. Love, compassion and empathy are way more powerful in progress than anger.

Part of the call to action in the Not now, Not ever report into DFV is for us a community to change:
… it is through the simple acts in our own lives that we reinforce the message that violence in our homes and families will not be tolerated. This is about parents teaching their children how to resolve arguments without resorting to hitting, neighbours ringing the police when they hear violence in a home, mates finding jokes to entertain each other that do not denigrate women (and refusing to take part in jokes that sanction abusing women). It is about talking openly about domestic and family violence with friends and family. These are simple acts which will make subtle but important changes to our culture and send a message to those who use violence or control in a relationship that their behaviour is unacceptable.
My first try into making someone aware of this has been an emotionally and mentally draining experience that I didn’t need at that point in time. But now researching more and thinking about it I have a deeper understanding of the complexity of the issue. I know people don’t like change and like to keep in their safety bubble of what they know and accepting different points of view can be challenging. I now have a little insight into why Police and Child Safety Officers burn out so regularly. I know shifting the communities perspectives and views on DFV is going to be a difficult shift to make.

Will I call someone out again if I think their actions are borderline? Probably.
Will I be more balanced and direct when I do it? Probably.
Will I do it on a hospital treatment week when I know I’m running on adrenaline? No.
Will I learn more about how to have these conversations to make people think rather than react? Yes.
Have I used this as an opportunity to talk about DFV and appropriate behaviour with my kids? Yes.